I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
