Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
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Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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