Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
