No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
