Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
