I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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