I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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