I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
