My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
