please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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