the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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