I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
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I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
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He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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