Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
