I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
