You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
