I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
