On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
