The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
