I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
