I think i peed on brittanys purse
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
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