i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
