I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
