i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
