My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
