2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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