i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
All the doctor said was why
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
