Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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