Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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