I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
