whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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