May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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