i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
