one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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