He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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