Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
