Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
