it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
