Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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