If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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