I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
