OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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