there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
