he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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