I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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