Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
