Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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