FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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