Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
