I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
