I accidentally had phone sex last night
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
