I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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