rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
