I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My ATM looks so different sober.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
