hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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