Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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