New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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